Our Circle

hello all.. i feel like I have to get to know each of you again.. it has been so very long since I last posted.. I have went thru so many changes in the last several months.. alot of which I had to go thru..some of which I didn't want to face.. but I feel as though I am climbing my way back to the surface again..and for those of you who know me.. I never thought that possible..

so... here goes... I will try to be as short winded as possible.. but then again.. i am a talker.. a typer.. and I just LOVE to ramble.. : )

hello all...
I went awol.. MIA.. i know.. i have disappeard from the radar.. so many changes here.. so much going on.. and no time really to do anything but work.. take care of my little one... and just be...

I am getting back in the saddle..and I will be updated very very shortly...

i love you all.. i have missed you all so very much.. I can't wait to catch up soon with you....

kisses..

star*

wooo hoooo... i am back online friends!!!

My soon-to-be X gave me the spare computer from the house for the little one so she could play her games.. I decided to get the internet hooked up so that she can get online.. (and yeah.. it was a bit selfish on my part as well)

so... thankfully, I am back online.. I won't have to depend on pc time at work to try to sqeeze a few to catch up, post... check email.. etc....

so.. just to let everyone know.. you will soon be bombarded with the ramblings of this star*... all of my rants, boo-hoos, and well.. just plain jabbering...

kisses all.. i am so happy to be able to come back i have missed u

star*

thats really all I want to say.. the little one is back off w/ her daddy.. i am yet again left without her.. why do i shed tears when  its what i wanted, when its what i agreed to.. when i know its best for her?

Tonite I just wanna cry.. i want to be alone.. I want to be quiet.. I want to curl up in a ball.... 
I want to get in my car and drive to where she is........I want to hold her tightly and never leave her alone...

Tonite I just wanna cry...... I am sorry......... 

Has anyone ever just NEEDED to release.. NEEDED to feel some other form of pain other than what is in your head, heart, soul?  I know the question is in vain.. and that the answer is YES.. and that is how I have been feeling for days.. until lastnight... 

Before I go into the happenings of lastnight though, let me say that I have a horrible tendancy when I am aggrivated, sad, pissed, threatened, unstable to take my attitude out on those who don't deserve it.  I have been known to have an incredibly smart mouth and not really know or care about the limits that push and lines that I cross...with that being said.. here goes.. 

for the last several days (starting Sunday) I have been getting warnings from Master that I need to watch my mouth, that I needed to cool the attitude. I knew he was serious in his warnings but still, I didn't really stop.. i just didn't get any worse.  He told me Monday morning that I needed to be reminded of my place.. and advised me that I would be getting 15 lashes w/ the belt.  (THis was after I made the comment that I was the QUEEN BEE and that everyone around him needed to remember that..OK.. WRONG WRONG STATEMENT!!!)
I was also advised that IF i didn't cool it then it would get worse.. well as of lastnite it was 20.

I was told by Master that he would be over... so I came home to the apartment, cooked, straightened up..took a bath.. etc.. and when he arrived he had said several things to me and well needless to say my attitude was less than plesant and most certainly not slave-like... finally he shot me a look and I knew I was in trouble... he undid his belt, took the strings from his boots and proceeded to tie then around each wrist.. he led me to the bed and removed my shirt, my bra.. and I was pushed facedown on the bed.. my wrists spread to either side and tied to the bedframe.... then.... he went to the other room.. I could hear him in my drawers.. the closet.. when I asked what he was doing I was told not to worry about it.... he returned w/ a blindfold and 2 other belts... he placed the blindfold on my eyes.. and jerked my pants off..

he then proceeded to tie my feet spread eagle to either side of the bed frame.... I whined, moaned that it hurt.. his responce was.. "aww.. is the baby uncomfortable.. now we wouldn't want the little baby to hurt would we?".. i agreed.. .again, wrong answer.. the voice in my head saying "SHUT THE FUCK UP".. 
He shoved his hard cock in my mouth and I sucked until I couldn't breath.. I got 3 smacks with the belt while I was taking his cock.. then more.. I was expected to keep count..... and thankfully I did.  
He buried himself inside of my dripping wet pussy many times.. but always stopped to smack a few more times.. I cried..... so hard.. I was so loud that he put his hand over my mouth.. told me to be quiet.... 
He then climbed on top of me again.... while fucking me in the ass he remined me that I was not in charge.. that I was his..... that I needed to remember to start taking my frustration and attitude on those who deserve it..... and yes.. he IS right.

we both came.... so hard...... after he came, I got the last lashing with the belt..... my Master so painfully reminded me that it is HIM who knows best for me.  

He then got into the shower....I got in with him...... he told me to wash his cock.. and I did with so much love.. I was bowed before him and knew this is where I belong... he then picked me up from my knees and proceeded to bath me..... washing my hair, my face.. my body.. my ass that he had just smacked.. he held me under the water and kissed me so sweetly.... so full of love.. it was a moment that I will forever cherish.....
the feeling of being HIS.. being HIS little girl, HIS slave, HIS lover, all of me HIS.......

today I feel refreshed.. I feel better.. I let go of all of the anger, frustration.. I cried and it was better.. 

Thank you MASTER.. I love you!

star*

hello again.. 
just me.. supposed to be working.. but well fuck it.. i really am tired of working this week.. i have had far to much to do with no time to do it.. and well quite frankly.. i am not really concerned whether i finish it before monday or not! OK..well thats not entirely true.. but still i am tired of working this morning..its Saturday, my little one is on her way back from SC w/ her Daddy.. and I have to many things on my mind for me to continue to concentrate on insurance.

**BE WARNED.. this post may contain random thoughts.. long drawn out rants... and just plain babble**

                                                                                                    

Ok..so first things first.. my little one is commin home to me tonite.. I am tickled.. I can't wait to see her lil face and smell her hair.. kiss her cheeks.. hold her TIGHT!!  I miss her, I havent seen her in 9 days and that is FAR to damn long for a mommy not to see her baby girl.  
I spoke to her daddy lastnight and he was under the impression that he was only going to bring her by the Apartment to "see" me.. WTF.. 
I was like OH HELL NO.. i haven't seen her in 9 days.. she is staying w/ me.. he said "well..she needs to get back HOME.. I said she has a home here.......she is staying w/ me 2nite.. needless to say.. he knew I was right and I am assuming that he thought I was going to be like.. "sure OK.. take her to the house.. I won't see her till you leave out for your next trip..whenever that will be.. I don't want to see my daughter.. nah.. you can have her... " he is such a fuckin idiot......stupid.. and still trying to play on my emotions....... still trying to make me feel like I am the one who fucked up.. still trying to make me regret the decision to leave.. 
It will not happen.. not in this lifetime.......

_________________________________________________

Ok..now onto my next topic....
I have NEVER in my entire 35 years of life felt as much love as I feel right now. I have come to the firm and solid conclusion that I am THE luckiest girl in the world.. and that I am by far and away blessed!
I know each of you that read this journal know that since I have moved away from hubbys house that I am comming into my own finally. I am sounding much happier.. brighter and not so damn down all the time.. Master is the biggest reason why... it is because of his support, strength and unwavering LOVE that I am where I am right now.. 
For the first time I feel like a woman.. I feel sexy.. I feel pretty.. I feel wanted as well as needed... 
I am  more comfortable in my own skin.. and I am finding that I don't look at the floor as much as I did before.  
Yesterday.. I get word from Master that I MUST go home before I come to bring his dinner to him at work.. I asked why..but all I would get is "you will see".. soo.. you know I almost got a speeding ticket on the way to the APT when I locked the office doors.. and there sitting on my table is a box, and a card.. and OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH how beautiful the card was.. (I didn't bring it w/ me to post it but it will be on here for all to see how wonderful my Master is to me.)..then I opened the box... inside was a ring.. 
it is silver.. w/ 3 stars... BIG stars.. it is breathtaking.. I love it.. 
NOW..anyone who has read this journal for a while knows that there is signifigance in numbers..
Master has always identified himself with the number "3" it is his lucky number.. and one that he has cherished for many many years... also.. we know that I was named "stargazer" by Master at the birth of this blog... (hence star* for short).. so.. this with this ring (pictures will be posted soon) It signifies that I am "3's Star".. it is a meaning only him and I and any reader knows... unassuming to wifey.. unassuming to the soon to be x-hubby.. it is ours.. I am his.. 
My heart is full and I am singing.........Thank you Master for such a precious gift... a gift of LOVE.. 

so there you go... i have rambled vented and well just babbled..but it felt good... and oh..the juicy post i was hoping for.. well.. we haven't really had time to go there yet....... but suffice to say I have a good ole fashioned punishment commin.. and well I will send all of you the dirty details.. but I must ask one question... IS IT CONSIDERED STEALING IF YOU TOOK SOMETHING THAT YOU KNEW BELONGED TO YOU ANYWAY.. SAY LIKE A LEATHER STRAP THAT WAS MEANT TO SMACK YOUR ASS WITH...BUT IT WAS IN MASTERS POSSESSION??? hmmmmmmmmm Master says YES it is..and for that I will get a few more whacks! (here I thought I was doing him a favor... silly me :-P )

I heard this song the other day.. the first time in years.. it made me think.. i made me smile.. and i felt empowered.....so I shall share......

kisses all.. huggs.. have a wonderful weekend.. and i will return on Monday!

star*

OK..so its almost 9pm and I came back to my office to try to get some work done.. well.. hell.. here I am on LJ and  not doing shit.. I have no motivation to do anything work related.. I just really didn't want to stay at that quiet apartment with No MASTER.. No Daughter.

The little one is on vacation with her daddy right now..... been gone since Saturday..won't be home till late this Saturday afternoon.....I miss her so much I could cry.. well OK.. i have cried so much my eyes hurt.  I get the occasional 'love you miss you mommy..goodnite' a total of 30 seconds at least a few times a day.. but thats it...... she is 4.. she is having fun.. i shouldn't take it personal right?  
Yea... whatever.. I feel like she could be fine without me and would never miss a beat with me not around.. is that wrong.. i know its wrong.. just me feeling sorry for myself...... wishing she was here..
anyway i digress...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OH how different things are for me now...... Master and I have more time than we ever have had to spend together.. quaility time.. yes... I have spent time w/ him and wifey together.. and even some 'friendly' time w/ wifey by herself.. but the QT w/ Master is wonderful.

We were talking the other day.. and I told him that when it all comes down to it...... I am a little girl.. and that I am his little girl...... he said that he hoped that would never change..I know it will not.

I am finding that there are so many different parts of me... none of which i fully understand.. all of which  I am getting to know.. and actually become quite fond of... 

I am the 'woman'.. working single mom.. willing to do what she needs to to get things taken care of.. not afraid of asking questions... not wanting to ask for anyones help because damnit she can do it herself.. she is hard headed and bitchy...she is defiant to the point of a fault.

I am the slave girl.... Masters property.. wishing only to serve his needs, desires.. wants.  Wanting to please him endlessly.. wanting to give him all that he desires from me.  Wishing for the dicipline...wanting the dominance of Masters hand, voice, presence..

I am the little girl...... she needs stroked, loved, petted.. she needs to be reassured that she is right.. that she is not alone.. that she is being taken care of.. She needs to be held tightly within Masters arms, she needs kissed and carressed.. she is by far and away the most prominent of my personalities right now.... 

I could go on and on about my  'multiple personalities' LOL  all of which I am sure each of us here have a few of....but it amazes me that before I left the hubby.. before I came to be on my own.. before I had Masters hand every day.. that I thought there was only 1 of me...... 1 side.. "MOTHER/WIFE" that that is where I began and ended.. my purpose was to take care of others.. not to be taken care of (which i still struggle with).  Even in my love affair w/ Master.. I took on that role... to take care of him.. mother him.. but now I am allowed so much.  
Master told me the other day.. as he has said so many times before this post.... 
"you have been alone long enough.. never again will you have to be"  "I will take care of you.. I will never let you go.. when you left him you truly became MINE... and that is how you will be treated from now on"
(maybe those aren't his exact words..but pretty close)

I am thankful.. I am blessed... 

kisses all.. nite nite for now....... I will see you in the morning....... I am sure I will have something good and juicy to tell...
star*

Have  you ever asked  yourself why things happen?  Why it seems that life leads you on a certain path and what the reasons are in the end?
It has been now almost 3 weeks since I have left.. a releif of not having the constant pushing.. the constant fear of fucking up.. the pressure of trying to be something that you are not... 
yet... at night when its quiet.. when I am alone because Master is working..the little one is miles away with her daddy.. i think... i wonder... i cry... 

I do not cry for the life that I left.. just the opposite.. i cry because i feel so selfish.... because i feel that i have abandoned the little one.. i cry because for the first time I am happier than i have ever been.. 
I am being held by a man who loves me with all of his heart.. and who no doubt would give me the world if he could.

But yet I wonder.. I wonder what things would have been like if I stayed.. unhappy.. seperated from my heart.. would I have ended up taking another bottle of pills.. would i have ended up in a hospital somewhere staring at a white wall because i lost my mind?  Would I have ended up hurting myself or someone else because I couldn't handle the pressure?
I wonder what will happen with my Master.. how have I wrecked his life.. how has my existance affected his wifey.. his daughter... 

I guess I am rambling..... just so much that I think about right now...... trying to sort out all of the feelings that i have had go over me like a tidalwave.. one minute happy.. the next so sad.. the feelings of abandonment.... the feelings of selfishness... 
I know deep down that leaving was the right thing to do... i do not regret it.... i only wish the cycle of emotions would calm down.... 
level out..... 

till tomorrow......
star*

I have asked Master many times over the last few weeks to 'NEVER LET ME GO'.. he has assured me that he will hold me forever.....

this is as true as it gets.... as plain as it is.....  Master.. I love you!!

So many times over the last few months.. I have pondered my existance and why I am the way that I am.  I have battled the evil within myself, and come to terms with my somewhat irratic mood swings.  I have made many changes in my life... the first change started with my desire to be owned.. to become a slave to the Man that I call Master; many changes were to follow, all of which I at some level knew would happen.

I have grown stronger in some ways of my thinking, but still I am trying to break out of the confines of the conditioning that I have went through over the last several years of my life.  It is hard for me to break the cycle it seems.. i am not strong enough on my own to will those habits away.. but thankfully my Master is there to push me along; hold me high and give me strength.

Over the last several weeks (it has been roughly 14 days since I moved out of the hell house) Master has (as always) been wonderful to me, allowing me to feel, allowing me to be afraid, and most of all allowing me to be ME... (whoever she is).  He has not had any expectations... he has not tried to force me to make immediate decisions.. he has only loved me... kept me going.. held me tightly within his arms.  

it was over a week ago on Sunday.... my little one had just left to go be with her daddy.. I was sooooooo upset....wanted to crawl in a hole..wanted to die... and Master calls..... would not accept that I wanted to be alone... to wallow in self pity.. ( i thought that he wanted me to go be with the whole family but I was mistaken)..and without notice he comes to my apt.. walkes in and tells me that we are going out... he wanted to spend time with me.. time for us.. no one else.. and I got ready.... 
we went for a drive... it was nice..to be sitting next to him in his truck.. i felt like a teen ager who snuck out w/ the boy her daddy said she couldn't date... we drove to the river.... we sat on a park bench..his arm around me..  my head on his shoulder..... he kissed me in public for the very first time.... we watched the ducks swim.. i wouldn' t trade that moment for anything... it was magic... 

Since that day.... we have had many talks.. talks of the future.. plans for what we wish to happen... the days that we pray to come... he has told me over and over again how much i mean to him.... what i mean to him.. how he feels about us.. about me.
He has allowed me to have the space I need.. but never giving to much... he knows I will crawl away if he gives me to much room..not crawl away from him.. but from myself.

I know that I need work.. I know that I have alot of changing I must do.... I realize that I am a product of my world... a world that I let control me.. a world that I allowed to determine my actions.... but I am slowly realizing that I don't have to be that..... i do not have to allow that.

Master told me I was beautiful lastnight....... again.. a first for us...... a first for ME.. i have never been called that before.. i have never felt that before.. but he makes me feel beautiful.. he makes me feel free.. and I am blessed......
Master has told me many times over the last several weeks.. that he loves me... i get chills when i read those words... my heart skips...... it is full......

TO BE LOVED BY YOU......MASTER THAT IS MY GREATEST GIFT... TO HAVE YOU HOLD ME AND NEVER LET ME GO.. TO BE IN YOUR CARE.. YOUR HEART..... I LOVE YOU!!