Our Circle

hello all.. i feel like I have to get to know each of you again.. it has been so very long since I last posted.. I have went thru so many changes in the last several months.. alot of which I had to go thru..some of which I didn't want to face.. but I feel as though I am climbing my way back to the surface again..and for those of you who know me.. I never thought that possible..

so... here goes... I will try to be as short winded as possible.. but then again.. i am a talker.. a typer.. and I just LOVE to ramble.. : )

hello all...
I went awol.. MIA.. i know.. i have disappeard from the radar.. so many changes here.. so much going on.. and no time really to do anything but work.. take care of my little one... and just be...

I am getting back in the saddle..and I will be updated very very shortly...

i love you all.. i have missed you all so very much.. I can't wait to catch up soon with you....

kisses..

star*

wooo hoooo... i am back online friends!!!

My soon-to-be X gave me the spare computer from the house for the little one so she could play her games.. I decided to get the internet hooked up so that she can get online.. (and yeah.. it was a bit selfish on my part as well)

so... thankfully, I am back online.. I won't have to depend on pc time at work to try to sqeeze a few to catch up, post... check email.. etc....

so.. just to let everyone know.. you will soon be bombarded with the ramblings of this star*... all of my rants, boo-hoos, and well.. just plain jabbering...

kisses all.. i am so happy to be able to come back i have missed u

star*

thats really all I want to say.. the little one is back off w/ her daddy.. i am yet again left without her.. why do i shed tears when  its what i wanted, when its what i agreed to.. when i know its best for her?

Tonite I just wanna cry.. i want to be alone.. I want to be quiet.. I want to curl up in a ball.... 
I want to get in my car and drive to where she is........I want to hold her tightly and never leave her alone...

Tonite I just wanna cry...... I am sorry......... 

Has anyone ever just NEEDED to release.. NEEDED to feel some other form of pain other than what is in your head, heart, soul?  I know the question is in vain.. and that the answer is YES.. and that is how I have been feeling for days.. until lastnight... 

Before I go into the happenings of lastnight though, let me say that I have a horrible tendancy when I am aggrivated, sad, pissed, threatened, unstable to take my attitude out on those who don't deserve it.  I have been known to have an incredibly smart mouth and not really know or care about the limits that push and lines that I cross...with that being said.. here goes.. 

for the last several days (starting Sunday) I have been getting warnings from Master that I need to watch my mouth, that I needed to cool the attitude. I knew he was serious in his warnings but still, I didn't really stop.. i just didn't get any worse.  He told me Monday morning that I needed to be reminded of my place.. and advised me that I would be getting 15 lashes w/ the belt.  (THis was after I made the comment that I was the QUEEN BEE and that everyone around him needed to remember that..OK.. WRONG WRONG STATEMENT!!!)
I was also advised that IF i didn't cool it then it would get worse.. well as of lastnite it was 20.

I was told by Master that he would be over... so I came home to the apartment, cooked, straightened up..took a bath.. etc.. and when he arrived he had said several things to me and well needless to say my attitude was less than plesant and most certainly not slave-like... finally he shot me a look and I knew I was in trouble... he undid his belt, took the strings from his boots and proceeded to tie then around each wrist.. he led me to the bed and removed my shirt, my bra.. and I was pushed facedown on the bed.. my wrists spread to either side and tied to the bedframe.... then.... he went to the other room.. I could hear him in my drawers.. the closet.. when I asked what he was doing I was told not to worry about it.... he returned w/ a blindfold and 2 other belts... he placed the blindfold on my eyes.. and jerked my pants off..

he then proceeded to tie my feet spread eagle to either side of the bed frame.... I whined, moaned that it hurt.. his responce was.. "aww.. is the baby uncomfortable.. now we wouldn't want the little baby to hurt would we?".. i agreed.. .again, wrong answer.. the voice in my head saying "SHUT THE FUCK UP".. 
He shoved his hard cock in my mouth and I sucked until I couldn't breath.. I got 3 smacks with the belt while I was taking his cock.. then more.. I was expected to keep count..... and thankfully I did.  
He buried himself inside of my dripping wet pussy many times.. but always stopped to smack a few more times.. I cried..... so hard.. I was so loud that he put his hand over my mouth.. told me to be quiet.... 
He then climbed on top of me again.... while fucking me in the ass he remined me that I was not in charge.. that I was his..... that I needed to remember to start taking my frustration and attitude on those who deserve it..... and yes.. he IS right.

we both came.... so hard...... after he came, I got the last lashing with the belt..... my Master so painfully reminded me that it is HIM who knows best for me.  

He then got into the shower....I got in with him...... he told me to wash his cock.. and I did with so much love.. I was bowed before him and knew this is where I belong... he then picked me up from my knees and proceeded to bath me..... washing my hair, my face.. my body.. my ass that he had just smacked.. he held me under the water and kissed me so sweetly.... so full of love.. it was a moment that I will forever cherish.....
the feeling of being HIS.. being HIS little girl, HIS slave, HIS lover, all of me HIS.......

today I feel refreshed.. I feel better.. I let go of all of the anger, frustration.. I cried and it was better.. 

Thank you MASTER.. I love you!

star*

hello again.. 
just me.. supposed to be working.. but well fuck it.. i really am tired of working this week.. i have had far to much to do with no time to do it.. and well quite frankly.. i am not really concerned whether i finish it before monday or not! OK..well thats not entirely true.. but still i am tired of working this morning..its Saturday, my little one is on her way back from SC w/ her Daddy.. and I have to many things on my mind for me to continue to concentrate on insurance.

**BE WARNED.. this post may contain random thoughts.. long drawn out rants... and just plain babble**

                                                                                                    

Ok..so first things first.. my little one is commin home to me tonite.. I am tickled.. I can't wait to see her lil face and smell her hair.. kiss her cheeks.. hold her TIGHT!!  I miss her, I havent seen her in 9 days and that is FAR to damn long for a mommy not to see her baby girl.  
I spoke to her daddy lastnight and he was under the impression that he was only going to bring her by the Apartment to "see" me.. WTF.. 
I was like OH HELL NO.. i haven't seen her in 9 days.. she is staying w/ me.. he said "well..she needs to get back HOME.. I said she has a home here.......she is staying w/ me 2nite.. needless to say.. he knew I was right and I am assuming that he thought I was going to be like.. "sure OK.. take her to the house.. I won't see her till you leave out for your next trip..whenever that will be.. I don't want to see my daughter.. nah.. you can have her... " he is such a fuckin idiot......stupid.. and still trying to play on my emotions....... still trying to make me feel like I am the one who fucked up.. still trying to make me regret the decision to leave.. 
It will not happen.. not in this lifetime.......

_________________________________________________

Ok..now onto my next topic....
I have NEVER in my entire 35 years of life felt as much love as I feel right now. I have come to the firm and solid conclusion that I am THE luckiest girl in the world.. and that I am by far and away blessed!
I know each of you that read this journal know that since I have moved away from hubbys house that I am comming into my own finally. I am sounding much happier.. brighter and not so damn down all the time.. Master is the biggest reason why... it is because of his support, strength and unwavering LOVE that I am where I am right now.. 
For the first time I feel like a woman.. I feel sexy.. I feel pretty.. I feel wanted as well as needed... 
I am  more comfortable in my own skin.. and I am finding that I don't look at the floor as much as I did before.  
Yesterday.. I get word from Master that I MUST go home before I come to bring his dinner to him at work.. I asked why..but all I would get is "you will see".. soo.. you know I almost got a speeding ticket on the way to the APT when I locked the office doors.. and there sitting on my table is a box, and a card.. and OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH how beautiful the card was.. (I didn't bring it w/ me to post it but it will be on here for all to see how wonderful my Master is to me.)..then I opened the box... inside was a ring.. 
it is silver.. w/ 3 stars... BIG stars.. it is breathtaking.. I love it.. 
NOW..anyone who has read this journal for a while knows that there is signifigance in numbers..
Master has always identified himself with the number "3" it is his lucky number.. and one that he has cherished for many many years... also.. we know that I was named "stargazer" by Master at the birth of this blog... (hence star* for short).. so.. this with this ring (pictures will be posted soon) It signifies that I am "3's Star".. it is a meaning only him and I and any reader knows... unassuming to wifey.. unassuming to the soon to be x-hubby.. it is ours.. I am his.. 
My heart is full and I am singing.........Thank you Master for such a precious gift... a gift of LOVE.. 

so there you go... i have rambled vented and well just babbled..but it felt good... and oh..the juicy post i was hoping for.. well.. we haven't really had time to go there yet....... but suffice to say I have a good ole fashioned punishment commin.. and well I will send all of you the dirty details.. but I must ask one question... IS IT CONSIDERED STEALING IF YOU TOOK SOMETHING THAT YOU KNEW BELONGED TO YOU ANYWAY.. SAY LIKE A LEATHER STRAP THAT WAS MEANT TO SMACK YOUR ASS WITH...BUT IT WAS IN MASTERS POSSESSION??? hmmmmmmmmm Master says YES it is..and for that I will get a few more whacks! (here I thought I was doing him a favor... silly me :-P )

I heard this song the other day.. the first time in years.. it made me think.. i made me smile.. and i felt empowered.....so I shall share......

kisses all.. huggs.. have a wonderful weekend.. and i will return on Monday!

star*

OK..so its almost 9pm and I came back to my office to try to get some work done.. well.. hell.. here I am on LJ and  not doing shit.. I have no motivation to do anything work related.. I just really didn't want to stay at that quiet apartment with No MASTER.. No Daughter.

The little one is on vacation with her daddy right now..... been gone since Saturday..won't be home till late this Saturday afternoon.....I miss her so much I could cry.. well OK.. i have cried so much my eyes hurt.  I get the occasional 'love you miss you mommy..goodnite' a total of 30 seconds at least a few times a day.. but thats it...... she is 4.. she is having fun.. i shouldn't take it personal right?  
Yea... whatever.. I feel like she could be fine without me and would never miss a beat with me not around.. is that wrong.. i know its wrong.. just me feeling sorry for myself...... wishing she was here..
anyway i digress...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OH how different things are for me now...... Master and I have more time than we ever have had to spend together.. quaility time.. yes... I have spent time w/ him and wifey together.. and even some 'friendly' time w/ wifey by herself.. but the QT w/ Master is wonderful.

We were talking the other day.. and I told him that when it all comes down to it...... I am a little girl.. and that I am his little girl...... he said that he hoped that would never change..I know it will not.

I am finding that there are so many different parts of me... none of which i fully understand.. all of which  I am getting to know.. and actually become quite fond of... 

I am the 'woman'.. working single mom.. willing to do what she needs to to get things taken care of.. not afraid of asking questions... not wanting to ask for anyones help because damnit she can do it herself.. she is hard headed and bitchy...she is defiant to the point of a fault.

I am the slave girl.... Masters property.. wishing only to serve his needs, desires.. wants.  Wanting to please him endlessly.. wanting to give him all that he desires from me.  Wishing for the dicipline...wanting the dominance of Masters hand, voice, presence..

I am the little girl...... she needs stroked, loved, petted.. she needs to be reassured that she is right.. that she is not alone.. that she is being taken care of.. She needs to be held tightly within Masters arms, she needs kissed and carressed.. she is by far and away the most prominent of my personalities right now.... 

I could go on and on about my  'multiple personalities' LOL  all of which I am sure each of us here have a few of....but it amazes me that before I left the hubby.. before I came to be on my own.. before I had Masters hand every day.. that I thought there was only 1 of me...... 1 side.. "MOTHER/WIFE" that that is where I began and ended.. my purpose was to take care of others.. not to be taken care of (which i still struggle with).  Even in my love affair w/ Master.. I took on that role... to take care of him.. mother him.. but now I am allowed so much.  
Master told me the other day.. as he has said so many times before this post.... 
"you have been alone long enough.. never again will you have to be"  "I will take care of you.. I will never let you go.. when you left him you truly became MINE... and that is how you will be treated from now on"
(maybe those aren't his exact words..but pretty close)

I am thankful.. I am blessed... 

kisses all.. nite nite for now....... I will see you in the morning....... I am sure I will have something good and juicy to tell...
star*

Have  you ever asked  yourself why things happen?  Why it seems that life leads you on a certain path and what the reasons are in the end?
It has been now almost 3 weeks since I have left.. a releif of not having the constant pushing.. the constant fear of fucking up.. the pressure of trying to be something that you are not... 
yet... at night when its quiet.. when I am alone because Master is working..the little one is miles away with her daddy.. i think... i wonder... i cry... 

I do not cry for the life that I left.. just the opposite.. i cry because i feel so selfish.... because i feel that i have abandoned the little one.. i cry because for the first time I am happier than i have ever been.. 
I am being held by a man who loves me with all of his heart.. and who no doubt would give me the world if he could.

But yet I wonder.. I wonder what things would have been like if I stayed.. unhappy.. seperated from my heart.. would I have ended up taking another bottle of pills.. would i have ended up in a hospital somewhere staring at a white wall because i lost my mind?  Would I have ended up hurting myself or someone else because I couldn't handle the pressure?
I wonder what will happen with my Master.. how have I wrecked his life.. how has my existance affected his wifey.. his daughter... 

I guess I am rambling..... just so much that I think about right now...... trying to sort out all of the feelings that i have had go over me like a tidalwave.. one minute happy.. the next so sad.. the feelings of abandonment.... the feelings of selfishness... 
I know deep down that leaving was the right thing to do... i do not regret it.... i only wish the cycle of emotions would calm down.... 
level out..... 

till tomorrow......
star*

I have asked Master many times over the last few weeks to 'NEVER LET ME GO'.. he has assured me that he will hold me forever.....

this is as true as it gets.... as plain as it is.....  Master.. I love you!!

So many times over the last few months.. I have pondered my existance and why I am the way that I am.  I have battled the evil within myself, and come to terms with my somewhat irratic mood swings.  I have made many changes in my life... the first change started with my desire to be owned.. to become a slave to the Man that I call Master; many changes were to follow, all of which I at some level knew would happen.

I have grown stronger in some ways of my thinking, but still I am trying to break out of the confines of the conditioning that I have went through over the last several years of my life.  It is hard for me to break the cycle it seems.. i am not strong enough on my own to will those habits away.. but thankfully my Master is there to push me along; hold me high and give me strength.

Over the last several weeks (it has been roughly 14 days since I moved out of the hell house) Master has (as always) been wonderful to me, allowing me to feel, allowing me to be afraid, and most of all allowing me to be ME... (whoever she is).  He has not had any expectations... he has not tried to force me to make immediate decisions.. he has only loved me... kept me going.. held me tightly within his arms.  

it was over a week ago on Sunday.... my little one had just left to go be with her daddy.. I was sooooooo upset....wanted to crawl in a hole..wanted to die... and Master calls..... would not accept that I wanted to be alone... to wallow in self pity.. ( i thought that he wanted me to go be with the whole family but I was mistaken)..and without notice he comes to my apt.. walkes in and tells me that we are going out... he wanted to spend time with me.. time for us.. no one else.. and I got ready.... 
we went for a drive... it was nice..to be sitting next to him in his truck.. i felt like a teen ager who snuck out w/ the boy her daddy said she couldn't date... we drove to the river.... we sat on a park bench..his arm around me..  my head on his shoulder..... he kissed me in public for the very first time.... we watched the ducks swim.. i wouldn' t trade that moment for anything... it was magic... 

Since that day.... we have had many talks.. talks of the future.. plans for what we wish to happen... the days that we pray to come... he has told me over and over again how much i mean to him.... what i mean to him.. how he feels about us.. about me.
He has allowed me to have the space I need.. but never giving to much... he knows I will crawl away if he gives me to much room..not crawl away from him.. but from myself.

I know that I need work.. I know that I have alot of changing I must do.... I realize that I am a product of my world... a world that I let control me.. a world that I allowed to determine my actions.... but I am slowly realizing that I don't have to be that..... i do not have to allow that.

Master told me I was beautiful lastnight....... again.. a first for us...... a first for ME.. i have never been called that before.. i have never felt that before.. but he makes me feel beautiful.. he makes me feel free.. and I am blessed......
Master has told me many times over the last several weeks.. that he loves me... i get chills when i read those words... my heart skips...... it is full......

TO BE LOVED BY YOU......MASTER THAT IS MY GREATEST GIFT... TO HAVE YOU HOLD ME AND NEVER LET ME GO.. TO BE IN YOUR CARE.. YOUR HEART..... I LOVE YOU!!

Did she disappear.. has she gone away?  Where did she go?  I have been asking myself that same question for over 2 weeks now.... looking for myself.. looking for some peace.

Hello all.. I have missed you greatly.. more than I can say..... I have as all of you know now left the confines of the living hell with my hubby... and have started a very different path on my own  (sort of).

Over the last 2 weeks, I have moved into a new apartment.. unpacked, spent some quality time with Master.. worked my ever luvin ass off.. cried more than I even want to repeat.. spent some time w/ the little one.... discussed this situation w/ my mother.. my best friend.. my Master.. and yes.. even w/ myself.
I am sorry that I have not been here to keep anyone interested in my seemingly boring life updated.. but since moving I do not have a computer at home.. and being able to log on at work has proven to be impossible since I can't concentrate enough to keep my work caught up to have the time to do so.

I promise that next week i will be catching up on everything... I will not have the little one with me so I will be able to stay later at work to do some reading and posting....
I have much to tell everyone.... and ohhhhh have i had the bruises these last 2 weeks....Master has found a nasty lil blue belt (pics to come soon) and let me say.. its EVIL!

Please know that there has not been a day gone by that I have not thought of each of you.. missed you and looked for the time to be able to sit and dive into your lives to forget my own... to each of you.... please take my HUGGS..... I promise I will not be a stranger so much anymore.... 

huggs.. kisses...

I figured this was easier than trying to comment to everyone....

Thank you all so much for your support.. I am not sure if you all know how much your thoughts and words mean to me.

I am so sorry that I have not been here myself like I should be.... I do read just about everyday.. but my comments have been non-existing.. so much going on in my head.. never sure if I have the words I need.  But all of that is about to change... I will be back regularly very soon.... 

But again..... THANK  YOU all for the huggs, thoughts, and encouragement.

now... onto the update~~~

the lease is signed.. I will start packing tonite when the hubby leaves.. by friday I will be on my way to moving into the apartment.  The little one is having some issues.. does not understand why really but slowly we are trying to explain things to her.

Master will be less than 2 minutes away from me....... YEAH~ so every night I will see his lovely body, feel his gentle hands, and have his powerful domination  I am so excited.

A friend of mine told me yesterday that I have started a new chapter in my life.. I told her that was true.. and since I have finally opened the book I am ready to start reading. (ok. i know that was a really weird analogy but hey.. it makes sence to me.)

OK.. off to work finally.. I came in early so that I would have time to post..... kisses all... i miss you..

big huggs to each of you.. i miss you all so much!

star*

well, i haven't updated for a while.. so much going on here.. Master and I are fine.. I know how much I am loved, needed and wanted.  He is my rock.. why I ever doubt that I don't know.

But.. it is done.. I am leaving and hubby knows now.. I told him calmly, we sorted out the details of our little girl.. he was upset but at some level was OK with it (or at least from my view)  
we did not fight, we did not scream.. but yes.. there were a lot of tears.

I am feeling numb right now.. not happy not sad, just numb.. I have cried for the changes my little one is going to go through, I have cried for what feels like the end of a safety net.. not so much my marriage, but the only place I have ever known.  I have cried because I am scared to death.... I know I am not alone.. but I am still scared.. scared to be alone.. scared to start from the beginning....

Master has held me close, let me do this my way.....for that I am thankful.. now we can move forward.....we have stood still for far to long.

kisses all...I have missed you.. I am sorry that I ahve not updated.. or even been here lately.. so  much going on in my head,  heart, that its just been impossible.

star*

well.. the last i left it.. i was a failure.. and i still feel that way..but not nearly as bad......
hindsight is 20/20..... how i wish i could change things.. but then again... do i really???

This last week has been an eventful one for me.... working out the craziness in my mind..... working through a plan with Master.. 
dealing with the emotions that come from not having the access that I am used to....

I am a very loved woman.... I am thankful every day for the man that I call Master on this journal.. in life..

He has stood beside me in this.. and although was angry at first.. those feelings are replaced with determination....
I know that I am not alone.. no matter what my fears are.. and have been.... He WILL take care of me.. always has.. and has never let me fall.... 
it is only my unwillingness to alow myself to jump that has held me up.. through him I will learn to jump...and I know that I will be caught.

I am sorry for not being here to post.... it is not because I have not wanted to be.. but as all of you know I shut down when I am in termoil... and it is hard for me to put into words the craziness that i feel in my head.. heart and soul.

I will be back to normal soon.... and I will update soon.....

Master to you..... I love you with all of my heart.... 
beleive my words to you..... 

I have fucked up.. done the unthinkable.. I got scared.. I broke.. I failed....... 
I am not looking for sympathy.. nor am I searching for forgiveness...... 
I have dishonored my best friend..... I have ruined my true love.... I have destroyed what was my world...
I deserve what happens to me.. to us.. 

This weekend was nothing more than a wreck.....

I got caught I was overheard telling Master (I don't even deserve to have the honor to call him that for I am not deserving of his ownership.. his love) that I love him... I was confronted by the husband.... and the more I denied that it was another man that I was speaking to.. the more I denied that I was talking to him the more the husband knew I was lying.... when confronted with venium I broke.. I told him that yes  I was speaking to Master.. (i used his real name).  
In trying to protect our relationship I did not tell the whole truth.. but in doing that I have made it harder for us to be together... even part time.....
I have destroyed Masters heart.. for I have angered him in a way that is unbearable to him and my heart.... 
just when things were going easier.. when we were making headway....i go and fuck it up...... 
I have fucked up the relationship with wifey..... because now I am not going to be allowed to see her either.... 

there is not a need to go into detail..... for Master knows all that there is to know..... but i am at his mercy...

My heart is broken.. for so many different reasons.... i am not broken for myself.. i am broken for Master.. for wifey... for our children.... for the love that I am loosing.. for the friendship that I am loosing... 

Master.. you ask why..... I am weak... I am not worth the love that you give me...... i would not deny you if you choose to take it from  me.....
it is the punishment deserved.... to be forever lost..... 
it is by my hand that I have thrown this in the air.... never intended.... 

I am weak... you deserve so much more

Thank you Taylor for tagging me :)
so...here goes.. 

1) Bold what is true about you.
2) Italicize what you wish was true about you.
3) Add one true thing about you to the end of the list.
4) Tag five LJ friends.

* I miss somebody right now.
* I don't watch much TV these days. 
* I own lots of books. [But I never have time to read any of them!]
* I wear glasses or contact lenses.
* I love to play video games.
* I've tried marijuana.
* I've watched porn movies.
* I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
* I believe honesty is usually always the best policy.
* I curse sometimes. As opposed to constantly.
* I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.(actually the last 5 years)
* I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
* I have broken someone's bones.
* I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
* I hate the rain.
* I'm paranoid at times.
* I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
* I need/want money right now.
* I love sushi.
* I talk really, really fast.
* I have fresh breath in the morning.
* I have long hair.
* I have lost money in Las Vegas.
* I have at least one sibling.
* I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
* I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
* I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
* I like the way that I look.
* I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months.
* I am usually pessimistic.
* I have a lot of mood swings.
* I think prostitution should be legalized.
* I slept with a roommate.
* I have a hidden talent.
* I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
* I have a lot of friends.
* I have pecked someone of the same sex. [Pecked? WTH is that?]
* I enjoy talking on the phone.
* I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
* I love to shop and/or window shop.
* I'm obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal.
* I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
* I have a cell phone.
* I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
* I've rejected someone before.
* I currently like/love someone.
* I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
* I want to have children in the future.
* I have changed a diaper before. [More like a million]
* I've called the cops on a friend before.
* I'm not allergic to anything.
* I have a lot to learn.
* I am shy around the opposite sex.
* I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
* I have at least 5 away messages saved. [Master likes to know exactly what I'm doing when I'm afk]
* I have tried alcohol or drugs before.
* I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past. [Umm, always the wives of male friends, and yes, more than once]
* I own the "South Park" movie.
* I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal.
* I enjoy some country music.
* I would die for my best friends.
* I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist.
* I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
* Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
* I have dated a close friend's ex.
* I am happy at this moment.
* I'm obsessed with guys.
* Democrat.
* Republican.
* I am punk rockish.
* I go for older guys/girls, not younger.
* I study for tests most of the time.
* I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.
* I can work on a car.
* I love my job(s).
* I am comfortable with who I am right now.
* I have more than just my ears pierced.
* I walk barefoot wherever I can.
* I have jumped off a bridge.* I love sea turtles.
* I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.
* I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
* I am proficient on a musical instrument.
* I hate office jobs.
* I went to college out of state.
* I am adopted. 
* I am a pyro.
* I have thrown up from crying too much.
* I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.
* I fall for the worst people.
* I adore bright colors.
* I usually like covers better than originals.
* I hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays.
* I can pick up things with my toes.
* I can't whistle.
* I have ridden/owned a horse.
* I still have every journal I've ever written in.
* I talk in my sleep.
* I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century.
* I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
* I wear a toe ring.
* I have a tattoo.
* I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
* I am a caffeine junkie.
* I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.
* If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.
* I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
* I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner. [Rarely do, though]
* I'm an artist.
* I am ambidextrous.
* I sleep with so many stuffed animals, I can hardly fit on my bed.
* If it weren't for having to see other people naked, I'd live in a nudist colony.
* I have terrible teeth.
* I hate my toes.
* I did this Meme even though I wasn't tagged by the person who took it before me.
* I have more friends on the internet than in real life.
* I have lived in either three different states or countries or provinces
* I am extremely flexible.
* I love hugs more than kisses.
* I want to own my own business. I'll never get rich working for somebody else.
* I smoke. [Today, anyhow]
* I spend way too much time on the computer than on anything else.
* Nobody has ever said I'm normal.
* Sad movies, games, and the like can cause a trickle of tears every now and then.
* I am proficient in the use of many types firearms and combat weapons.
* I like the way women look in stylized men's suits.
* I don't like it when people are unpleased or seem unpleased with me.
* I have been described as a dreamer or likely to have my head up in the clouds.
* I have played strip poker with someone else before.
* I have had emotional problems for which I have sought professional help.
* I believe in ghosts and the paranormal.
* I can't stand being alone.
* I have at least one obsession at any given time.
* I weigh myself, pee/poo, and then weigh myself again.
* I consistently spend way too much money on obsessions-of-the-moment.
* I'm a judgmental asshole.
* I'm a HUGE drama-queen.
* I have traveled on more than one continent.
* I sometimes wish my father would just disappear.
* I need people to tell me I'm good at something in order to feel that I am.
* I am a Libertarian.
* I can speak more than one language.(does counting to 10 in french and spanish count :p)
* I can fall asleep even if the whole room is as noisy as it can be.
* I would rather read than watch TV.
* I like reading fact more than fiction.
* I have pulled an all-nighter on an assignment I was given a month to do.
* I have no piercings.
* I have spent the night in a train station or other public place.
* I have been so upset over my physical gender that I cried.
* I've been married and am now divorced.
* There have been times when I have wondered "Why was I born?" and may/may not have cried over it.
* I like most animals better than most people.
* I own a collection of retro game consoles.
* The thought of physical exercise makes me shiver.
* I have hit someone with a dead fish.
* I have written/read erotic stories.
* I am compulsively honest.
* I was born with a congenital birth defect that has never been repaired.
* I have danced topless in front of dozens of complete strangers.
* I have gone from wishing I was a boy to revelling in being a girl to feeling like a boy again in the span of five minutes, and not cared a whit for my actual sex.
* I am unashamedly bisexual, and have different motivations for my desires for different genders.
* I sometimes won't sleep a whole night or eat a whole day because I forget to.
* I find it impossible to get to sleep without some kind of music on.
* I dislike milk.
* I obsessively wash my hands.
* I always carry something significant around with me.
* Sometimes I'd rather wear a wig in day-to-day life than use my own hair.
* I've pushed myself to become more self-aware and thereby more aware of others.
* Even though I live on my own I still cry sometimes because I miss my mother.
* I hand wrote all the HTML tags in this document.
* I've liked something which a majority of people claimed was either bad or weird.
* I have been clinically dead for a brief period of time I was v. little
* Instead of feeling sympathy/empathy with people and their problems, I simply become annoyed.
* I participate/have participated in auto drag races and won.
* I do not 'get' most comedy acts.
* I don't think strippers are money-greedy or slutty for dancing.
* I don't like to chew gum.
* I am obsessed with history/historical things and can't wait for someone to build a time machine so I can be the first to use it.
* I can never remember for the life of me where I parked the car.
* Had the TEEN ANGST thing going for at least 2-3 years.
* I wish people would be more empathic and honest with each other.
* I play Dungeons and Dragons weekly.
* I love to sing.
* I want to live in my mother's basement when I grow up.
* I have a custom-built computer.
* I want to create a certain someone's babies, even though there's a 0% possiblity of ever achieving it.
* I would be in a relationship with one of my pets if they were human.
* I've gone skinny-dipping.
* I've performed in three plays, all of them Shakespeare.
* I enjoy burritos.
* I'm Irish and lovin' it.
* I have a thing for redheads. [only women though]
* I am a twin!
* Most times, I'd rather do something intellectual instead of doing something generically 'fun'.
* Once I set out to finish something, I always stay at it until it is completed before I move on to something else.
* I wish there were a way to erase past mistakes.
* I wish I could do High School all over again.
* I have big interest swings every year.
* I have loved Pokemon since the beginning and continue to do so.
* There's no genre of music I dislike.
* I've read every work written by my favorite author(s)
* No matter how much I sleep, I'm always tired.
* I'd rather eat out than cook.
* I am obsessed with actors that are older than I am.
* I can move my little toes independently.
* I enjoy purchasing and wearing articles of clothing and/or accessories that have skulls on them.
* I trip over my own feet at least once a week.
* I hate not knowing how to love
* I still fantasize once in a while about an ex.
* I find incredible freedom in being restricted.
* I love being housebound in a blizzard.
* I am compulsive with money.

I tag:
 deidreschmeidre

this post....not a real corolation with my title.. just something that keeps being said over and over in my head.. something that has MUCH meaning.. to both Master and me.. Yes, Master..I am happy to be the Magic Number, because I realize now it is your Favorite...

Its one of those days today.. "D" day as I have come to call it.. when I look to the week ahead and know that Master will be limited as to how much he can get to me.. I will be limited as to how much I can give to him...
I have been somewhat down today I guess... I hate this day.. I cannot wait until my time here is done.. when I can walk into the comfort of OUR Circle.. into the waiting arms of Master to protect me from all that I allow to drive me CRAZY.

It has rained today.. all day... in my head I have imagined being in Masters arms; in one scenerio being comforted and loved.. my hair being stroked and sweet kisses on my forehead..
the other scenerio is being held in a position that limits my movement.. nothing nice.. nothing sweet.. purely animal..
I have longed all day to be near him.. to smell his scent, to kneel between his legs..
as I do each day that we are apart.. I long to hear his voice.. my heart aches with the need to see him.

I know that he longs for the day when we are allowed to be together.. no limitations.. the day when he can walk with me in the open,
we both wonder if that will happen sooner than later.. we both wish on our star that it wont be much longer..

I have made a promise to myself this week... actually several promises.. because I tend to slink into that dark hole that seems so comforting when hubby is here..I have to make a conscious effort to not allow it.. so here they are... yes Master.. these are also for you..do with them as you wish.... that is why I have put them out here for you to see..

1. I will not doubt Masters love for me
2. I will not feel worthless to Master because I allow another to make me feel as such.
3. I will not allow anothers hand to touch me.
4. I will not allow myself to sink into sadness.
5. I will not allow another to make me cry.
6. I will always have Master in my heart and mind (ok.. that is every day of the week.. but I wanted to put it down)

until the morning.. Master.. I love you with all that I am.. I belong to ONLY YOU..
as I drift off into sleep with the music in my ears and my locket in my hand.. know that it is your kiss I am dreaming of.. your touch I am longing for.. your breath that breaths life into me...

star*

Friday night.. didnt think I would get to see Master.. was accepting the fact that Tuesday was probably going to be the only night that we got to spend any real time together..
Surprise.. thank gawd,

So, he calls me around 230am and tells me that things are going good.. and he wanted to know if I had anything yummy to eat besides myself in the house.. LOL I love those backward compliments I get from him... they make me smile ;).

So I hurry.. get in the shower, dress, makup.. (i had to choose between wearing the makup or fixing my hair like he likes.. i choose the make up.. he would appreciate it more) So when he arrives I am comming down the steps from my room all put together but with a wet head of long, brownish red hair.. he didn't seem to mind since I was also barefoot with a denim mini and tank top... (its 230 in the morning.. hard to look sexy when u only got 30 minute notice)

so after breakfast.. and some talking.. playing.. we make it into the living room... I kneel between his legs at his feet as I always do..I rarely sit next to him unless he askes me too.. I just feel more at home and were I belong at his feet.. I have my hands on the zipper of his pants.. and he pushes my head toward his waiting cock.. I am rubbing my hand across the denim. trying to get a rise out of him...
So, I unbutton his pants.. and out springs that wonderful cock of his.. right into my waiting mouth.. and I suck him.. slow strokes with my tounge.. long deep inside my mouth.. I take him all the way in.. feeling the head of him in the back of my throat.. almost cutting off my air.. I repeat this so many times.. Master takes a handfull of my still damp hair in his hand.. forces my head to the base of his cock.. my tounge licking his balls while his cock is burried inside of my mouth.. I cannot breath.. I gag..
I love the feeling of his cock inside of my mouth.. in the back of my throat... my air limited because of him filling me.. I can feel my pussy twitch with the need to feel him inside of me.
I lay then on the floor.. positioning myself so that I could take his balls inside of my mouth and be able to take my tounge across his asshole.. stroking him with each flick of my tounge feeling him get harder and harder in my hand.. he then pulls me up by the hair.. and shoves his cock inside of my mouth.. all the way in.. deeper.. I am gagging.. then off.. then again.. I can taste the pre-cum from his cock on my tounge.. trying to move but he will not let me..
then I ask if I may fuck him.. I am dripping wet.. my pussy twitching and taking on a life of its own to.. the spasms of my muscles keeping me on the edge of orgasm.. he allows me to ride him.. he grabs the skin on my hips... pushes me deeper on top of him.. I am riding him and his pussy is sooooo thankful...
He allows me to cum all over his cock.... I exploded.... there was pussy juice running down his cock, his balls, his leg... it was everywhere.. and as soon as I finished cumming.. he pushed his cock back into my mouth..... to suck the pussy juice off of him..
he tells me of punishment that I will receive if I do not walk the line... he askes me if I could handle what he would give me.. No MASTER.. i could not.... I cannot erase the vision of it in my head.. what you would do... he then says its not any worse than the vision he has in his mind of hubby taking me...
I suck him harder.. I want to remind him that it is ONLY HIM who I want to please.. It is ONLY HIM who will have access to me.. my body. my soul.

He takes my hair tighter in his hands again.. holding my head at the base of his cock...I could feel him release his wonderful cum inside of my waiting mouth.. washing the back of my throat.. stinging my tounge just a bit... hot.. the heat staying on my throat.. the sting staying on my tounge.
I held him inside of my mouth as long as he would allow me.. I didn't want to let him go from me.. i didn't want the moment to end for us.. he moved me from his cock.. and after a few more minutes of getting dressed again.. small talk he told me that it was very late and he must get home.. :(

He took me into his arms.. pushing me to the spot in his chest that was made for me.. he stroked my hair and kissed me twice... and I walked him out the door..

I feel asleep on the couch that we had just made love on after he called me to let me know he was home safely.. that wifey was asleep.... and he was going to lay down.. I could feel the moistness still between my legs as i drifted of.. I could taste His cum..

Such a surprise to have him visit me... I am grateful that after all these years he still finds a reason to drive the 30 minutes it takes to get to me at 3 am in the morning..
I am grateful for the time that he takes out of his life for me..
I am loved and I know this....

star*

Your Porn Star Name Is...

Asslee Bendover

I was browsing on the quiz site and well.. I had to try....

kisses all..
star*

Thank ya Kafka.. just what I needed............... ~~big huggs~~~

You Are 44% Lady

You're part lady, part modern woman. Etiquette is important to you, but you brush aside rules that are outdated or silly.